Purging

My newest thought (OCD-inspired, yes, but a valid thought nevertheless) is that I could be happier with a lot less stuff.

Moments

I am procrastinating right now. My sister is coming over in a couple hours to help me do some more cleaning and purging. I could get started on my own of course, but I would rather delay the anxiety.

Yesterday, I had a couple nice moments that allowed me to forget for bit: I went out to lunch with some of the gals from work to celebrate a birthday. In the midst of everything described in the post below, such a simple social activity was a big deal for me, as I had been anti-social all week. I had a strawberry lemonade, my favorite (non-alcoholic) drink. And then after work, I went over to my brother's house for my nephew's birthday party. I got to spend time with all the shmoopies, and had some good laughs and good pizza.

I slept for about 8 hours last night, which was the most I'd gotten all week. I wish that moment when I first wake up, when I am smiling about some weird dream, and I feel comfortable with the blankets pulled up... I wish that feeling could last all day.

OCD is lonely

I think I made a post a few years back with the title "Just keep writing." It was a mantra I'd been thinking about a lot, inspired by a mini breakdown I once had in the bathroom stall of a Chevy's. I was out to lunch with my boyfriend and my parents, taking a break from the packing and cleaning involved in a move (I can't remember if we were moving in or moving out). But the stress of the move, the emotions it brought up around the status of the relationship, and my inability to have control over what was touched and where it was put, all served to overwhelm me and I needed a few minutes to cry it out. And while in that bathroom a little chant, in the style of Dory's song "Just keep swimming," popped into my head: Just keep writing, just keep writing. I was trying to comfort myself with the thought that no matter how bad things got, how overwhelmed I was, how sick I felt, how much further into depression and OCD I sank, I could keep writing things down,

As sad as it is to go back over my posts from the last 6 years and realize not only that little has changed, but that once again I feel like it is the worst it has ever been, I still feel a glimmer of hope that if I keep writing down my thoughts -- and especially if I keep writing down my story ideas -- that it will be worth it in the end. That years from now, if/when I am better, I will be able to look back on these years as a learning experience, a challenge that I overcame, and that, hopefully, I won't feel like it was all time wasted.

So as much as I didn't want this blog, or any of my written journals, to just be an account of how bad I am feeling, the truth is that is the truth, that is what is happening right now. I have OCD and depression. Some days are better than others, but I am currently in one of my lowest points, obsessively worrying myself sick and unable to imagine a time when I will feel comfortable in my own home, in my own skin, or doing any of the things that I used to enjoy. The hardest part about it is that I feel like I am all alone in this. Even though there are a couple of people I can talk to about it, and a few more who are aware of it, I am the only one who can feel what is happening inside my head and body, and the more it goes on the less connection I can feel with other people.

"Here was a life"

I have been trying to do some major cleaning recently, prompted -- to my dismay -- by a recent sighting of bugs, which of course has me in a state of hyper OCD anxiety, and also makes me incredibly angry at myself for not keeping things clean enough in the first place. (What kind of OCD-er can't keep things clean?!)

As with any big clean, I have been coming across the various scraps and notes that I am always accumulating. The various thoughts, memories, ideas, wishes, things to look up, etc., that pop into my head throughout the day. I need to write them down so as not to forget them, but I invariably forget them anyway as those scraps of paper go unnoticed collecting dust (and bugs!) in a corner. So I have started a Word doc to collect these bits from my brain, and one of them was the phrase, "Here was a life."

I have enjoyed many things this year (see list below). But even so, it has felt like a particularly bad year, in terms of my depression and OCD and my general outlook about my life. No matter what trips I take, new things I try, fun outings I have with friends, there is this constant feeling that it's not enough to equal a full life. And I need to be doing something else, something more, something different so that when I am gone, someone can look at what I've left behind and say, "Here was a life." This kind of thinking does nothing to help my mental health, though, and what I really should be doing is focusing on the good things and the things that I have already done, rather than the things I haven't. MUCH easier said than done of course. But here is a first attempt:

Fun Things I Have Done This Year, or Just Things I Have Done:
Mini road trip to LA over MLK weekend
Got back in touch with a friend I hadn't seen in 8 years
Attended a celebrity comedy show, and met my favorite actor, Jason Segel
Finally saw a concert at Bimbo's (Super Diamond)
Saw Dave Rawlings and Gillian Welch at the Fillmore
Joined in a girls' weekend in Santa Cruz
Traveled to Europe for 2 weeks by myself, which included:
--Visiting 2 countries I'd never been to
--Meeting new people and staying in their houses
--Going to a foreign town a finding a place to stay after I got there
--Going to cafes and bars by myself and enjoying conversations with strangers
Followed through with regular therapy sessions
Lots of fun nights out and a revived friendship
Participated in an employee art show at work (received compliments on my photos)
Sat in the club seats for several Giants games this season
Went to a wedding and a fun reception with lots of old high school friends
Went to a Stiff Little Fingers concert with my sister and 16-year-old nephew
Let same nephew drive my car
Went to a roller derby
Went to a movie with strangers; went to several movies by myself; saw ET on the big screen; went to LOST finale party at a new (for me) theater, the Lark
Mini road trip to Santa Barbara for 4th of July weekend and stopped at Pea Soup Andersens on my way back, just to finally stop there
Went to a CD release party for a local musician
Various other new experiences, such as eating at new restaurants (A Cote in Oakland, the Ramp in San Francisco), going to a play at the SF Playhouse