OCD is lonely

I think I made a post a few years back with the title "Just keep writing." It was a mantra I'd been thinking about a lot, inspired by a mini breakdown I once had in the bathroom stall of a Chevy's. I was out to lunch with my boyfriend and my parents, taking a break from the packing and cleaning involved in a move (I can't remember if we were moving in or moving out). But the stress of the move, the emotions it brought up around the status of the relationship, and my inability to have control over what was touched and where it was put, all served to overwhelm me and I needed a few minutes to cry it out. And while in that bathroom a little chant, in the style of Dory's song "Just keep swimming," popped into my head: Just keep writing, just keep writing. I was trying to comfort myself with the thought that no matter how bad things got, how overwhelmed I was, how sick I felt, how much further into depression and OCD I sank, I could keep writing things down,

As sad as it is to go back over my posts from the last 6 years and realize not only that little has changed, but that once again I feel like it is the worst it has ever been, I still feel a glimmer of hope that if I keep writing down my thoughts -- and especially if I keep writing down my story ideas -- that it will be worth it in the end. That years from now, if/when I am better, I will be able to look back on these years as a learning experience, a challenge that I overcame, and that, hopefully, I won't feel like it was all time wasted.

So as much as I didn't want this blog, or any of my written journals, to just be an account of how bad I am feeling, the truth is that is the truth, that is what is happening right now. I have OCD and depression. Some days are better than others, but I am currently in one of my lowest points, obsessively worrying myself sick and unable to imagine a time when I will feel comfortable in my own home, in my own skin, or doing any of the things that I used to enjoy. The hardest part about it is that I feel like I am all alone in this. Even though there are a couple of people I can talk to about it, and a few more who are aware of it, I am the only one who can feel what is happening inside my head and body, and the more it goes on the less connection I can feel with other people.